Excursion!

As a person with CPTSD, doing something for yourself can be extremely difficult. We're programmed to focus only on survival, and it's so hardwired into our DNA that it feels impossible to do anything other than survive. I’m going to do it out of spite and I’ll damn well manage to deprogram myself from this hell.

I feel like the only reason I've survived this long is out of sheer stubbornness and spite.

So, on to something nicer. Today we went to Sweden. The last time I was there it wasn’t by choice — I was there with the man who held me captive for nearly five years.

(the cozy part comes now)

But today I felt like I took back the place by going there with the man I love and my daughter; we had great weather and really enjoyed ourselves. Ate way too much Swedish candy and bought lots of good food.

I feel a little lighter; I will never get rid of the memories and the pain from everything that happened. But I can choose not to let it hurt me so much anymore—by choosing to live my own way and choosing to feel, and to know that there is love in the world.

Of course it’s a constant struggle. I’ve been at war for over 30 years; it’s not so easy to lay down the sword and stop seeing threats everywhere. But I am so tired of fighting; I want peace. So I do things that are uncomfortable and frightening, but they help me heal. It will be a different kind of fight.

oooo and we saw this guy on the road <3